Vivien Betland
Vivien is a nursing student at the University of Minnesota and a convert from the Baptist tradition who was welcomed into the Catholic Church at the 2012 Easter Vigil.
Growing up, my family was never really religious or spiritual. We owned Bibles and celebrated Easter and Christmas, but we didn't read said Bibles and the holidays were more about presents than what God did for His people on those days. And we definitely never went to church, unless my younger brother's choir was singing at a service. I wouldn't say I was atheist, and my parents definitely weren't, but they did not share their faith or teach me anything about God. I'd heard about Jesus and knew that He had died on the cross, but I didn't really understand why and had no idea how important that fact was. My mom had grown up Baptist, so that's what I claimed I was whenever one of my friends would ask me. I had a happy early childhood, with parents who were super involved in my activities and spent time with us kids.
But in middle school, life got rough for everyone in my family. Right before sixth grade, my only living grandmother passed away and my mom was diagnosed with chronic kidney failure. Apparently, I took this all very hard, though I don't remember that fact. I became relatively unresponsive. People had to repeat questions to me because I would not answer at first. I was off in my own little world. That year, my mom had talked to my guidance counselor at school and arranged for me to be a part of a support group with other sixth graders. This was strange to me because I was unaware that anything was wrong with me. The other kids came from divorced families and there was one cancer survivor and I didn't really understand why I was in the group, but I got to skip part of class sometimes so I didn't mind. I don't think it ever occurred to my parents to start going to church or getting help from a pastor. I don't remember what we talked about in this group, but I'm pretty sure it never had to do with God and how we relate to Him during our struggles. I came through this phase alright, though I have no idea if the support group had anything to do with it or not. But this was not the end of troubles in our family.
As I mentioned before, my mother was diagnosed with kidney failure right as I started sixth grade. This changed a lot of things in my household. First, she had to go on a special diet of sorts. She could no longer have things that had a lot of potassium or phosphorous (no more bananas, cheese, potatoes, etc) and so this limited her food options greatly. And then there were lots of foods that just no longer sounded appetizing to her. Every night became a fight over what to have for dinner ending with everyone extremely frustrated with the fact that an agreement could not be made. Second, my mom was gradually losing the energy to do the things she used to and handed the reins to much of it over to my dad. This included the finances. Because of our family's inability to ever decide on something to make for dinner and my mom's lack of energy to make it (my dad is not a very skilled cook so that was never an option) we usually wound up eating out. Eventually, we were deep in debt. My dad has a hard time saying no, and so even though we could no longer afford to eat out, we did. My dad grew progressively more and more stressed out and his temper got shorter and shorter (he was never violent, but sometimes his yelling can be scarier). No one besides my dad knew how bad it really was until he finally told my mom my freshman year that he thought we might have to file for bankruptcy. It explained a lot of his behavior the past few years. Again, no one ever thought to think about how any of this related to God. No one thought about how we should be praying how God wants us to use these finances or turn to a spiritual counselor to help with the stress of everything.
Being a kid, this was a lot to deal with. I was no longer unresponsive as I had been sixth grade year, but I did withdraw into myself more than I used to. When I was really young, I was very outgoing, not afraid to talk to anybody. And then in middle school that all changed. Looking back, I think I felt like I had no one I could relate to. My family was going through so much and I didn't even understand it all, so how could anyone else? I felt very alone. Not only did I not feel like I could relate to my peers, I didn't feel like I could talk to my parents about the stress I was dealing with, familial and typical adolescent stuff, because they had their own things to worry about without my burdens added. I had a few friends that I talked to, but no one really knew what things were really like. If they knew my mom was sick, they didn't know how bad it was because I wouldn't share it with them. The only One who knew all about it (Jesus), was the One I didn't really know. I didn't know that my best friend was waiting for me to finally come to Him. This all lasted until my sophomore year of high school.
That year, my brother went away to college and after a stressful winter break at home that almost sent him into a nervous breakdown, he started to attend Campus Crusade for Christ with a friend. When he came home for a visit later that winter, he decided to bring me to church. Because my mom claimed to be Baptist, and because I knew a few people who went there, I asked if we could go to First Baptist. I was kind of excited. I had asked my parents sometimes if we could go to church, but there was always some excuse not to go. I filled out a visitor card in the pew and dropped it in the collection plate. The next day I got a call and invitation to come to youth group on Sunday evenings. For a few weeks, I made excuses not to go, but finally one day I went. Everybody was so welcoming! I felt like they wanted me to be there even though they didn't know me yet. I had never really felt like I fit anywhere before, but now I did. I started to open up to these people and tell them about my mom and family struggles. They always offered to pray for me and I felt so loved. I started to learn about God and His love for the people He created. I learned that Jesus died on the cross, a perfect man, so that my sins could be forgiven by God and I could reenter a relationship with Him.
This was all fine and dandy, and I considered myself saved because I believed what they said and said a prayer asking Jesus to come into my heart and forgive my sins, but I didn't really let that change me. I was never a "bad kid" so to speak, but I was selfish, always wanting to fit in and be cool. I was a cheerleader in high school and lived to try to be popular. I was rather shy and that hindered that, but it was always my goal. I continued to go to church and youth group, but my faith was not lived out much in my life outside of church. It was always there waiting to shine, but I wouldn't let it. I found it easy to gossip about others to try to fit in, to separate myself from the "uncool" kids. Deep down I knew it was cruel and unfair but I just wanted to be liked. That's what I lived for. I had some lines I would not cross, but it was never about God, more about the fear of disappointing my parents or adding more stress for them.
And then the summer before senior year, I went on a mission trip to Mexico with my youth group. We held a vacation Bible school at a local orphanage during the day and did witnessing activities and events in the local park at night. It was an amazing experience. The orphanage was run by a pastor so the kids all learned about God and some of them shared their stories with us. They had lived through things that both horrified me and broke my heart. Some had been abandoned on the streets by their families. Others had been abused and removed by the state to come live at the orphanage. It struck me how much worse off they had been than I was at that point. And yet, they had all forgiven those who had hurt them. Some had seen their parents face to face and forgiven them, others didn't have any idea how to find their family, but still did not hold anything against them. I could see that God was really working in their lives and that they had surrendered fully to Him. They had so much joy in spite of great pain and I wanted that. It was then that I decided to live out God's will, not my own. I haven't always been successful, but I'm on the right track. Sometimes I miss or ignore God's cues, but He never gives up on me.
Senior year, my brother came home for Christmas break and told us that he was becoming Catholic. We were all shocked! He had been one of the most outspoken people against Catholicism that I knew, so I didn't understand. I didn't know much about Catholicism, but I knew that people at my Baptist church thought that Catholicism was wrought with error and so I believed them. I thought my brother was crazy, but if that's what he wanted to do, I didn't really care that much. I gradually learned more about what Catholicism taught but it clashed so much with what I had learned from my pastor that I thought it could not be right. There was no such thing as purgatory. Why on earth would Jesus have meant to literally eat His Flesh? Where in the Bible does it say that? Mary? What's so great about her? I could not have defended much of my own position biblically but I didn't listen to my brother either. If he told me something in the Bible that supported the church's position I ignored it because that is not what I had been taught. I thought I could find a verse that would prove him wrong once and for all. But I really didn't care that much. He loved God and in my opinion that was all that mattered.
Two summers ago, before my sophomore year of college, I was baptized by my youth pastor in the Mississippi River. My brother rejoiced because, although I was not Catholic, my sins had been washed away. Again, I thought he was crazy. Baptism is just a symbol to show our obedience and faith in Christ. It doesn't actually do anything for us. But after that, I started to take my faith even more seriously. I started to try to change the way I relate to other people. I started to pray more often and meditate on God's word. I even started leading a small group of girls from a Christian group on campus. I wanted (and still do) to make a difference in the world and gradually become more like Christ.
That winter, I went with my brother to Eucharistic adoration, though I'm not sure why since I thought the elements remained bread and wine. I probably should not have been adoring mere bread and wine. But I went and he told me to read John 6 and pray about it while I was there. I did and I started to understand why Catholics might think the bread and wine became Christ's Body and Blood. But I still had other issues with the Church, like infant baptism and "Mary worship," so I continued to fight God's nudging. But my eyes were being opened.
And then finally this past summer (2011) I could not resist any longer. God convicted me that I had to look into what the Church really teaches and to have an open mind. Two things that were said during sermons at the Baptist church I was now attending that either irked me or pushed me into a search for the truth. First, during a communion Sunday service, the pastor, while praying before we took the bread and grape juice, said something along the lines of, "Thank you for this bread, that does not magically become your body but remains bread, a symbol of your sacrifice." The tone in which he said it clearly mocked the Catholic faith and though I still denied that the bread was Christ's body it bothered me that the pastor would so openly mock the Catholic faith during a service. I was slightly offended simply because it meant he was mocking my brother. I knew that though they "erroneously" believed the Eucharistic elements became Christ, that they did not believe it was magic. They believe it is through the power of the Holy Spirit. It irritated me that the pastor would be so disrespectful, but I ignored it and continued to attend this church for awhile. Second, there was a sermon about correcting people who held to a false Gospel. I felt God convicting me that I was holding to a false Gospel. I knew right then that it was time to seriously look into what the Catholic Church teaches and so I began a quest for the truth.
I began to notice inconsistencies within my Baptist faith. For instance, as a Baptist I had felt it was crucial that a person being baptized is dunked in order for it to be legitimate. I would argue this with my brother over and over as he believed that this was not crucial. But why did it really matter if someone was dunked or if water was simply poured over their heads? I didn't believe Baptism had any real significance outside being a symbol of one's union with Christ, so what difference did it really make? Why was there such a debate over the means when there was no real meaningful end to the act? I finally saw the foolishness of it all. It made no difference as a symbol. But I also saw that it was not just a symbol. Baptism really means something. That's why Christ commanded all disciples to be baptized. That's why he said to be born again; we had to be born of the spirit and water.
I also had always been bothered by the once saved, always saved mentality. If you had genuine faith you would always be saved and good things would naturally pour out of you. All this had accomplished for me was a questioning of my salvation if I struggled to choose good over evil or if I had occasional doubts about my faith and beliefs. It left me wondering sometimes if I had ever really been saved. Maybe faith was not genuine like I thought it was. Not very encouraging. And I didn't understand the faith verses works debate. The Bible made it pretty clear to me that both are needed. You can't be saved with one but not the other. One can exist without the other, but it doesn't matter unless the other exists as well. The Catholic faith seemed to be the only place I could find that somehow made sense of faith and works working together. The more I looked into it, the more I realized that the Catholic is in fact Biblical. I had been wrong for years in believing the Catholic faith was erroneous.
I realized that Mary was not worshipped by Catholics but only honored for her part in salvation and that the Protestant church did not give her the honor she deserved. In Luke 1 it says all generations will call her blessed and that was not something I saw in the Protestant church. I also came to the conclusion that the communion elements became Christ as He had said it would in all the Last Supper passages and as was foreshadowed by John 6. Once I realized that I could be in Christ's Physical Presence rather than just spiritual, I knew I could not stay away. Christ gives me His Body and Blood everyday and how can I possibly ignore that?
After much research, scriptural and historical, I could see the validity of the Catholic Church. I could also still see, somewhat, the validity of the Protestant argument (though only scripturally and not historically). It all boiled down to authority. Who has the authority to say that their interpretation is correct? To me, it only made sense that the Catholic Church, the only church that has existed from the time of the Apostles until now, would be the one to hold that authority. Protestant churches do not claim authority and as a result anyone can interpret Scripture as they see fit and start a new church, the perpetual branching. But Christ prayed for unity in His church and among His people and I only see that in the Catholic Church. He gave Peter the keys to heaven, clearly making him the leader of His Church, which has been passed down under the guidance of the Holy Spirit since then. United across time and lands, the Catholic Church is Christ's Bride and He promised the gates of Hell would not prevail over it and I trust that promise. If the Catholic Church is wrong, then for centuries, until the Protestant split, Christ did not keep His promise, and that is not something I can accept. The Catholic Church is the true Church of Christ and I rejoice that God finally led me home and I pray that He will lead others as well. This September I joined the RCIA program at a local parish and at the 2012 Easter vigil, I was confirmed and received my first communion.
Of course, my transition has not been easy. I have met much resistance from Protestant friends and my old pastor. I took it hard at first, but I have realized that Jesus lost friends and went through much more than I did. And I have no right to complain. I also have friends, and of course my brother, who have been very supportive. Even if I didn't though, the simple joy of following my Lord and Savior into His church would make it worth it. I am so happy to be a full member of the Bride of Christ.
Read more about Vivien and her ongoing journey on her blog "The Heart of St. Gianna".
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